In Evan's Shallow Mind
by Rio's Desire
Summary: Major Evan bashing story. Written by both JeanGrey6 and I. If you like Spyke/Evan don't read this. Funny stuff right here.


**A lil WARNING!**

If you like Evan, I recommend that you don't read any further because there is some serious bashing here. For those of you who hate Evan, keep reading….a little inspiration from the movie "Jackass."

Brought to you by the brilliant, twisted minds of: **Rio's Desire & JeanGrey6**.

(Also, I would like to say that we have nothing against actual gay people, we do have gay friends in real life, so if a little gay bashing offends you, please don't read it.)

BEWARE!!!

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**** In Evan's Shallow Mind ****

'I can't believe all the X-men hate me, I mean what did I ever do to them... except spy on them in the shower...try to molest them... being pointless on missions….I mean I just stand there and bitch and complain... but I don't see what's so wrong with that? I can't believe I decided to shave the back of my head and get carried away and shave my ass... I mean argh….hair is the way to go yah know? Oh yeah I know! I wish I had a girlfriend….wait….make that boyfriend. I mean, like guys are so gorgeous, well at least Scott, Pietro….and maybe Professor X. For sure, he's number one on my list.

I can't believe the X-Men were happy when I went to go stay with the Morlocks. I mean they were filthy pieces of shit living in their own waste. Man that makes me hungry! Oh so hungry... that reminds me... I still got some poopie diapers left upstairs in my backpack... gee, I hope nobody stole it for a snack, cause that would make me so mad yet sad, at the same time. I mean COME ON! You don't steal poop from the needy. I worked hard to get that….GOD! Lying on the street for a full day and scavenging through many garbage cans to find this one delicious diaper of poop.

Maybe this is why the X-men hate me... I mean I do forget to brush my teeth afterwards, and hair too, because it's like smeared all over my face and shit. I shouldn't be related to Auntie O, because I am not good enough for her. Man, if I had white hair, it would be permanently stained shit brown for life. '

***

"I think I'll go spy on Scott in the shower now." Evan said as he skipped joyfully out of his bedroom.

He pranced down the hallway heading towards Scott's bedroom door. Giggling to himself, Evan proceeded into Scott's room as he gently opened his door. "I gotta be quiet..." he whispered to himself. He danced across Scott's room and headed towards his bathroom. The shower was running.

"Ah! Scott must be in there; all wet and shit....mmmmm." Evan said to himself as he started to drool. He wiped the drool away that was dangling from his chin. "Okay, focus man." he said to himself again. He gently opened the door of Scott's bathroom and saw Scott's figure among the mist in his shower. There was something else in the shower as well. "What the?" he said questionably as he inched closer to the shower. Noises were heard. Evan raised an eyebrow.

"Holy shit, I think that's Jean in there…god damnit I am too late." he said as he opened up the shower curtain in a fierce swipe. "OMG! HOW COULD YOU! I thought we...we...we were together!" Evan wailed as he fell on his ass and curled up into a ball and cried insanely.

"EVAN GET OUTTA HERE! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE BUSY?" Jean yelled as she pulled the shower curtain around their naked bodies. Evan sat up and was staring blankly at Scott's wet body. The drool came again, this time it was brown. That poop must have come back up or something.

"You thought we were together? What the fuck? You little shit eating queer!" Scott ranted angrily as he grabbed the shampoo bottle. He repetitively smashed the bottle over Evan's head, as Jean laughed at the fag's pain. Using her telekinesis, she picked up the beaten Evan and threw him forcefully against the door until it gave open. She then threw him all the way out the doorway, out of Scott's room, down the hall and out the front door of the mansion, laughing evilly the whole time.

As Evan was thrown out onto the road, Wolverine parked his motorcycle in front of the mansion gate.

"Whatcha do this time kid?" he said as he removed his helmet. Evan rolled around a little bit as he moaned in pain. "Where you spying on Scott again?" He said as he put out his claws and stuck them in front of Evan's face. "If you ever try that with me bub, I'll shove these so far up your ass, you won't know what hit yah."

"Wait, Please do!" Evan cried desperately as a smile found it's way on his battered face.

"You'd better wipe that queer ass smile off your face, before I do it for you." He said as he growled, retracted his claws, threw his helmet on, and drove away.

"Wait come back….please do it!" He begged as he slumped back down on the ground.

Then all of a sudden a car came roaring down towards Evan's sprawled body. It came to a quick stop just an inch from Evan's face, splashing mud all over. Evan groaned as his licked the mud around his lips.

"JEAN! JEAN! JEAN!" Duncan yelled as he repetitively honked his horn. Evan stood up and laid himself on the hood of Duncan's shitty ass car.

"Can I be Jean for the night?" asked Evan as he smiled. Duncan raised an eyebrow as a disgusted look spread over his face.

"Aw man, I don't want you, you piece of shit. I want Jean....JEAN! JEAN! JEAN!" he replied, honking the horn again. Evan smashed his head on the hood of his car in anger.

"I can't believe you denied me too! GOD! Doesn't anyone want me to be their bitch?" Evan wailed as he started to cry.

"Aw man, don't cry... I didn't mean to make you cry... SERIOSULY, DON'T CRY, YOUR GONNA GET GAY ASS JUICES ON MY CAR! HOLY FUCK!" Duncan yelled as he jumped out of his car, and ran towards Evan. He grabbed the collar of his shirt and shook him in the air. "You get off my car you piece of flaming shit!"

With that, Duncan threw Evan onto the road.

"Mmmmm flaming shit!" Evan said as he drooled once more. "I've never cooked it before, gotta write that down in me To-Do-List." Duncan got bored of waiting, because he realized that Jean was probably in the shower with Scott AGAIN, for the third time this week. So he drove off leaving Evan on the side of the road.

"I can't believe nobody wants me, even Duncan didn't want me, now THAT'S BAD! Maybe I should lie here and die, but I'd hate to leave a lose end. I still got my To-do-list to accomplish. Which means... hang on a sec, I better check it." Evan sat there talking to himself and pulled a piece of paper out of his tighty whitey underwear. It was a little shit stained, but he could still make out the words. Evan read it aloud to himself:

"1) Seduce a hobo.  
2) Seduce a cow.  
3) Seduce an old man, preferably Professor X, but anyone will do.  
4) Go swimming naked in a ditch.  
5) Consider taking a shower.

And finally, the most important thing on my list...  
6) To eat flaming shit."

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Did you laugh so hard you cried???


End file.
